you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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