I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
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She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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