It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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