Four minutes until I can fart!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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