It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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