my room smells like sperm. sweet.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
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Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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