Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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