Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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