note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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