A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize