so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
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He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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