Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
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I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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