Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
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My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
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You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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