I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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