My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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