I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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