Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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