what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
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Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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