The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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