3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize