John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
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Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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