6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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