you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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