Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize