I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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