I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
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She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
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