Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize