new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
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That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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