I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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