Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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