someone threw a dead crab at me
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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