I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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