Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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