you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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