Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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