Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
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I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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