I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
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I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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