I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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