she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
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OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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