The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
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the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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