and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
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What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
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He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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