I'm lost and stupid without you.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
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Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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