Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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