How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
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THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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