the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
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Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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