someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
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CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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