I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
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He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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