Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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