We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
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her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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