What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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